hezatown

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Happenings and cute things I like.

What will you do with this one wild and precious life?

Today is a day of cold hands and damp sheets.

The hills are happy as they soak up the moist from yesterday’s rainfall.

I sleep a lot and the dark circles around my eyes are deep. The rain made me so tired.

But the hills are happy and the sky is blue.

Maybe I will go outside later and notice things.

Since I’ve been talking up guided journals a lot, I though I’d share one I recently acquired:

journal

It doesn’t have any explicit prompts or anything, but poems from the poet Mary Oliver. You can let her words evoke feelings or reactions and just write them right there. And the illustrations are beautiful.

journal

journal

journal

journal

Townie

Sometimes I set a timer and just sit and stare out my window.

Sapporo

Honolulu. A city like any other. Cars and roads getting people where they need to go.

It helps me clear my head.

HOKKAIDO!

It’s strange. Once I finished writing this post, I… I don’t know. I came across these images of Sapporo on Pinterest a while ago. I’ve never seen a city look so subtly mesmerizing before.

Sapporo From honeydecelis on Pinterest

Sapporo From japankoofficial on Pinterest

Hokkaido From linviena on Pinterest

Sapporo From edit_heysmile on Pinterest

Sapporo From vimiaan on Pinterest

Hahahhahaha always seeing people riding bikes in the snow. Life in Sapporo to a t.

Isn’t there something so special about these images?

I spent around four days in Hokkaido in December 2023. It was my first time ever being there without living there. It was a little strange. But so much fun to just experience it as a tourist (even though I got triggered into oblivion by a mean post office lady…). Very different from having to go to class in the snow everyday.

I have a lot of confusion and grief about my years spent there, but I would love to one day be able to say that I love Hokkaido without feeling conflicted about it. Maybe I am slowly beginning to be able to view it as another subtly magical chapter in the fabric of my existence. Because I really do have so much love for snowy and wild Hokkaido.

Also, this song still slaps. My mouth suddenly tastes like Tantakatan.

Let me introduce you to my party people

As you may or may not have gathered, I am back in LA. I’ve mostly been going to Ikea and Target and stumbling over moving boxes. The world is overwhelmingly ordinary and it’s COLD. Hawaii really has ruined my tolerance :(

Being in Sweden was more fun than expected (but I don’t think I’ll visit in December again, ugh -.-). Maybe I’ll convert to sporting a cute Scandi style and learn to sail or whatever Scandi girls do.

piano

book shelf

Like always when about to leave somewhere for a long time, I spent the last few days of the trip making sure to eat all my favorite foods that I won’t be able to have.

Let me introduce semla. It’s a pastry that’s everywhere around January-March. It has its own day in like February, which sometimes falls on my birthday. It’s something you enjoy as darkness finally begins to move towards light and spring. You start seeing them in stores and cafes and know that the worst of winter is over. I had one last week for the first time in yearsss.

semlalf

Typical ones are just a bun, whipped cream, and some type of almond goo. But I saw a lot of new variations this year. I tried a pistachio variation (the one in the picture above), and it was incredible.

Next, cinnamon buns. Can’t leave Sweden without having real cinnamon buns, obviously.

cinnamon bun

This next one isn’t like a traditional food or anything as far as I know, but it’s the best food in the history of ever and you can’t change my mind. I call it oreganoklet.

oreganoklet

It is:

Rice

Whatever protein you want (my go to is quorn which is kind of a vegetarian chicken-esque thing, but chicken or tofu or something like that works too)

In a sauce made from:

Cooking cream (I like to use Oatley’s cooking cream but I haven’t seen it anywhere here D: )

Vegetable bouillon

A little bit of balsamic vinegar (like a couple table spoons)

A bunch of dried oregano (Maybe like a cup? Idk I always just eye it)

Just fry your quorn/chicken/tofu/whatever with salt and black peppar until it’s nice, then put it in the sauce, mix it all together, and boil on low heat with a lid on for 3 minutes :D

I submitted oreganoklet to a cooking contest in high school once and didn’t win anything. Clearly they have no class nor style -__-

Final moments of my old life

A lot of visitors from around the world like to go on about how Hawaii is a healing place. I don’t know how I feel about it. I may mainly associate Hawaii with stress and overwork and drain and feeling trapped. Trapped in a windowless office, on campus, on a tiny island in the ocean. A “paradise” that’s sad and drained and slowly bleeding dry and all the corals are dead.

But it’s true that I’ve changed a lot for the better since first setting my foot on Oahu a little over two years ago. When I got there I was extremely closed off, obsessed with proving myself, and thinking the right to be alive was something I needed to earn. I’ve calmed down quite drastically since then.

The last four months or so I have been discovering so many depths and layers to myself. There’s so much more of me than I could have ever imagined, like a deep blue never ending pool. I’ve been discovering so many amazing things about life lately T_T Guided journals, tarot, probiotics, and turmeric??? Bro why did all these things go unnoticed by me for so long

The mountains and the world have been stunning. I’ve been WRITING. In my guided journal and I love it so much. I love the feeling of the pen rolling over the paper.

I honestly didn’t know life could feel this way.

Now, how much the island has had to do with it, I can’t tell.

clouds

clouds

stop sign

legs

tennis

My last time playing tennis before leaving took place in the dark, because we couldn’t turn the lights on. It did make it more special, I suppose. And interesting. And hard. And fun!

blurry plant

shave ice

golden hour

Catching the sunset from the Kuliouou Ridge Trail. Highly recommend!

golden hour

golden hour

temple

pipes

Bidding a final farewell to my favorite pipes I passed every day.

Honolulu

Existential dread

Suddenly a flash from Ofuna station. Two giant suitcases, wind in my hair from a vanished age.

Drowning in memories of all the times and places that have been. It’s so hard to process and comprehend how they all can be real. I don’t understand how chilly winds in my hair at Ofuna station and mailing boxes to a burning LA can coexist in the same life.

These memories that constantly run through my head, they break me down. It would be easier to just forget, to delete every experience I’ve ever had, than to try to understand how these different dynasties fit together in the same life.

view

There’s a fog upon LA.

I see the world as an ancient place

I long for California’s deep mountains and mighty trees. I see it before me every time I close my eyes.

I long to breathe in the smell of the redwood forest.

me me

Ah California, I love you more than anyone will ever understand.

Himlen är oskyldigt blå

I’m still in Sweden ~ The plan was to go back to LA on this upcoming Thursday. We’ll see if I do or if it’ll make more sense to stay here a little longer until things calm down. All my friends are safe for now at least.

I’m exhausted and anxious. I miss LA so much and just want to go home. Trying to avoid sensationalist media reports while still keeping up to date. Distracting myself with little activities.

But Sweden’s been good. It’s been nice to just sleep and read and make little plans with my little friends. I’m basically a tourist so I’m taking pictures of everything.

boat

forest

forest

wallpaper

outfit

I was going for a Saltkråkan kind of vibe with this outfit.

fika

cats

cold

I love the cracks in the sidewalk

I have received complaints from friends that I don’t update often enough and also that it feels like something is “missing” in the information I present. I shall reflect on this. Feel free to send questions or requests for things to write about.

I am finished with Hawaii for now. See these beautiful pictures from a beautiful day:

happy

happy

happy

happy

I was so touched by all my friends ;__; I guess I didn’t realize how many people ended up becoming important to me over time. Maybe I’ll write some reflections on my two years on Oahu someday. If I can think of something good to say, I suppose.

I guess I should write some kind of 2024 reflections? 2024 was rough and dull and lame but also very good, at times an exquisetly never ending deep blue pond of mysteries and wonder. My favorite things have included tarot cards, guided journals, turmeric, Zoloft, probiotics, this here bloggi and general creative writing stuff, stop signs, rediscoverinig reading for pleasure and starting to read fantasy books again (I’m currently about halfway through The Priory of the Orange Tree :3), tennis, marmots, my national parks stamp book, and all my little friends of course.

I will share these pictures from a very special day at the Glendale Americana in August, and let it represent my 2024 ~ It may not have been that exotic, adventurous, or exciting of a day. But there was no where else in the world I would’ve rather been. It is precisely the mundane and ordinary that my heart yearns for and cherishes.

outfit

shopping street

outfit

It’s brutal out here

As I said, we have a lot to talk about. I’ll let you know when I can think of what it is.

I’m in Sweden for three weeks.Which also happens to be where I grew up and lived age 0-19. It’s been good and shocking. Jet lag’s been brutal, the abrupt change in temperature after CONSTANTLY being overheated for the past six months has been brutal, winter darkness has been brutal… Hawaii’s made me weak. But I’m having fun.

I’ve got pics from the last week:

gray

gray

gray

gray

gray

gray

cute

cute

winter

winter

winter

I need to share my very awesome 2010-core ootd from the other day:

gray

gray

gray

I had forgotten what a project shimmying into skinny jeans every morning used to be.

gray

gray

An old calm sets in each time I settle down in my seat, bury my face in my scarf, and gaze out over familiar gray landscapes through the train window.

We were happy the way children are who have been separated and are together again

We have a lot to talk about. Happy new year!

I’m in Sweden for three weeks.

I will share some pictures from new year’s:

party

party

snow

snow

party

Old faces, new faces, traditional Russian new year’s wishes. All so very special I must write about it.

I looked out the window at the falling snow as everyone was singing weird old Russian songs. It was monumental, I felt it in my chest.

The end of an era, a chapter? The end of a whole fucking book.

Skyward

I just finished my last ever presentation as a grad student. I stare at the sky and reflect on the end of things and the passage of time. What do you find yourself drawn to as you look at the sky? Memories, dreams, the clouds running with the winds, or just the stillness of the moment?

blue sky

Turkey gobbles

Just some moments from my Thanksgiving weekend ~

turkey cake

cake

drawing

drawing

drawing

sky

sky

plant

sky

cuban oregano

I just finished my last required volunteer hours yesterday. I can’t believe I’m leaving Hawaii just three weeks from now. Feels weird.

Something in my body, something that’s in my SOUL

Aaaaaaaaaaah I’ve been so excited for this release ever since I heard the hook on tiktok sometime this summer and it’s finally here!!!!

I’m in love and obviously listening on repeat

Also, speaking of new music. Apparently I’m a Rosé fan now. Or specifically, her as a music video director and her aesthetic sensibilities.

Rosé

Rosé

Rosé

Rosé

Rosé

Rosé

I’m obsessed with the outfits and lonely city vibes in her new video. This is exactly the kind of simplicity my heart craves.

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

So some time ago was the 10 year anniversary for when I at 19 years old first moved to Japan and away from home. I’m actually not entirely sure about the date, but September 28th feels familiar.

The plan was to attend a language school full-time for one year in Yokohama, Japan’s second largest city and part of the Greater Tokyo Area. Then go back home. I was young, deeply enamored with learning languages, and aching to experience the world. Upon arrival I quickly made new friends, and so the adventure had begun. I had free time and the yen was cheap. I went out and experienced the streets of Tokyo and Yokohama basically everyday for months on end. Missing the last train partying in Shibuya, weekend road trips with people I barely knew but whose company meant the world to me, biking among the temples in Kamakura… I was happier than I could have ever expected to be, and happier than I thought I could ever expect to be again.

Of course, this wasn’t real life. Education, career, you have to start thinking about those things eventually, and I needed to decide what to do once my gap year was over. I had originally intended to go back home for college, but I had grown so attached to life in Japan. Many of my international friends were staying to pursue their careers there. I had heard of a program in Hokkaido, the northernmost part of the country, that had peaked my interest. Of course I hated the idea of leaving my life in Yokohama for cold Hokkaido. I researched and researched but found nothing similar anywhere else. Oh well, at least it was the same country. And I’d be able to come back and see my friends on breaks! The idea of spending entire summers back in Yokohama felt like a dream.

Arriving in Sapporo, Hokkaido and meeting my new classmates, I felt out of place. The shared spaces in my dorm were quiet and empty. I remember having snacks I wanted to share, but never getting the chance to give them to anyone. I ended up eating all of them alone in my room when I was hungry.

I remember coming home to my room one day, a few weeks after arriving. I was cold, I was lonely. I was crying and my inner voice was screaming, “I HATE IT HERE”.

Some people in Yokohama I had assumed would be friends for life stopped replying to texts. Sapporo was cold and boring and lacked any of the charm of the far more exciting Tokyo region. My classmates wouldn’t even stay and chat for a little after class. I very vividly remember two Japanese girls talking about me in Japanese in my dorm kitchen as if I wasn’t even there.

Phone calls that had initially consisted of laughing about the latest gossip in Yokohama, turned into crying sessions with my mom, who was on the other side of the world, scared to death because of how depressed I was and begging me to see a doctor.

I just wanted to go home, I was ready to drop out. My professors were passionately against it and managed to convince me to stay. Somehow staying and seeing through what I had started seemed easier. To this day I am still not sure that staying was the right decision.

Was it all that bad for the 4 years and 7 months that I lived in Hokkaido? No. I’m still in touch with some of the friends I ended up making there. I had some of the most memorable laughing fits of my life there. I found a love that lasted for four years. I’m glad that I was able to reach such a high level of proficiency in another language. I got to travel a lot, both internationally and domestically. Hokkaido’s nature is stunningly beautiful. I did of course go back to Tokyo and Yokohama several times, although it was never quite the same.

Having to leave my life in Yokohama behind and moving to Hokkaido is still the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I still feel deeply sad when I think about how brutally unhappy I was for so much of my time there. Sometimes I almost doubt whether that time in my life ever really happened, or if it all just took place in some weird evil shadow dimension.

Recently I have reflected a lot on these study abroad experiences, my own and those recounted by friends as well as strangers online, and what they mean to us. It seems like to a lot of us, they present us with a wonderful sense of life and excitement. As they widen our horizons, teaching us what life can truly offer, a dreamlike quality to these experiences seems not uncommon. And like every dream, it inevitably ends. Sometimes abruptly and painfully so. We build a life, we build relationships that are everything to us, until the reality of money, visa issues, and friends becoming scattered around the world catches up with us. Looking at my own past decisions honestly, attempting to hold on to life in Japan after my gap year was up was an attempt at never having to wake up from that dream.

I lived in Japan for a total of 5 years and 7 months. Today it is a place I have a lot of difficult feelings towards. Both because of the painful memories of the happiness I once experienced in Yokohama being taken from me, and because of how wrong and isolating so much about life in Sapporo was for me. There’s also the disillusionment from working so hard to understand a culture only to realize that there, in all honesty, wasn’t really much there for me to begin with. Over time, the darkness of Japanese society crawled into my brain and planted itself like poison. I left Japan and came back a bitter person. Always terrified of making mistakes, and judgmental of those of others. Perpetually not feeling good enough to the point of questioning my own existence. Unable to shake the habit of constantly holding back my feelings, my thoughts, who I am, until joy, excitement, and delight all suffocate with the rest of it.

It took two years for it all to finally begin to slowly, slowly melt away. It took almost four years to finally go back for a trip in December last year. Just interacting with people, I was acutely reminded of why I had had to get the fuck out of there. I always loved the sense of safety walking by myself at night, and sometimes I still daydream of the endless city lights. But it wasn’t worth it anymore. I don’t know whether I will visit many more times in the future.

Hemingway’s Paris, Sinatra’s New York. Places stay with us forever. Enormous and splendid, they outshine any romantic love we’ve ever known. I loved and missed Yokohama so much I all but lost my mind. I still cherish every single day of my life that I spent there. I loved the streets leading from my house to the train station, the hill to Minato Mirai, the lights, the towers, the ocean, the boats. The smells, the winds, the sounds, the sun. The taiyaki place, the west exit of the main station, the mall where I got those stockings I loved but almost never used because they were so hard to match, the corner by the bridge where we stood forever impatiently waiting for our friends to join us, the restaurant with 400 gram portions of pasta, the ice skating rink, the waffle place, and the bridge by the amusement park with the extra nice view of Landmark Tower. What could possibly truly exceed the feeling of being 19 and running along those streets, not because I was in a hurry, but just because of sheer excitement for life?

I have been finding glimpses of it, though. That dreamlike quality. They’re everywhere if you look. They’re in a neighborhood evening walk. They’re in the nap I took on the carpet, surrounded by pillows and blankets and listening to Past Lives (don’t wake me up) by sapientdream and Slushii on repeat. They’re in those moments in a mundane and ordinary life when one suddenly has an impulse to take out a camera and capture something, because it seems worth remembering.

They really are everywhere.

happy girl

A fun Sunday in Harajuku in 2015.

Ethereal Forest Spirit

Video of the day:

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Hi. I’m Heza. I’m a sad grad student in Hawaii. I want to post things on the internet, so I’ve made an old-timey blog. I like being in nature, cute outfits, fun adventures with friends, and snacks.

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