hezatown

Good and broken

2025-03-19 permalink

Helloooo. It’s been a while, again -.-’ I have spent the past week in the San Francisco Bay Area, visiting friends and family! Gosh it’s so freeing to be somewhere that’s walkable and where you can easily get around with public transit, unlike LA and Honolulu ^^; I love it here so much and nature is so beautiful but gosh why does it have to be so COLD? T_T I’ve been wearing a winter coat every single day I’ve been here.

I went to Muir Woods for the first time today and omg I loved it so much! I’ve always loved redwood trees and the ones there are EPIC. My uncle and I kind of wandered into the park aimlessly and ended up on an absolutely beautiful hiking trail. I think it was called the Redwood Canopy trail or something like that. It connected to lots of different trails and we just kind of went where we felt like in the moment. Including one trail called something like Panoramic trail and it was soooo beautiful. My uncle also got me a little bowl thingy carved out of redwood and ah I love it so much T__T <3 Definitely one of my most prized possessions. Redwood trees are something that means so much to me. They represent something like strength, happiness, nostalgia, adventure, and wonder all at the same time. I will show pictures some other time^^

What else? Before going on this trip, I started going to a local park in LA, just to hang out. I bring a picnic blanket and just do the same things I would’ve done if I was in my house. Journal, reply to texts, sip on water, what have you. I enjoy the sounds of birds chirping, the warm pattern the sun creates over the grass, clovers, the picnic blanket, and the pages of my book. The jingle of dog collars, the sound of children’s footsteps as they run and play. My fingertips slowly getting colder as afternoon begins to turn into evening.

So what, his name was Peter the Great? The kings and queens will have to wait

2025-03-05 permalink

Message I got from my friend after the previous post:

Hahaha, I appreciate all of you who read and send me encouraging messages so much <3

So, new adventures in Hezatown. I got to go to Santa Barbara Botanic Garden! They exclusively have plants that are native to California, and do lots of important preservation work. I HIGHLY recommend paying the garden a visit.

What did I notice?

A chilly air, and a rain falling on my hair

Little birds, hurrying from bush to bush

Orange flowers painting the most exquisite of pictures, a picture from an ancient past I dream of everyday

What did I hear?

The ancient murmur of the redwoods

The rain chattering against the ground

The wind chimes welcoming me among the shrubs

What did I admire?

The effort to preserve all that is beautiful and special

The dance of the native plants and the bees

What astonished me?

The overwhelming urge to bow and thank the redwoods as I bid them my farewell

And I got my very own native plant to have at home!

For this week’s solo adventure, I paid a visit to the Los Angeles Balloon Museum’s exhibit Let’s fly LA. Which might sound weird but it was actually one of the coolest things I have ever seen. The exhibit was highly interactive and quite the experience.

There was an enormous ball pit! So fun!

And then a light show in the ball pit O__o

This butterfly was super trippy. You could lie under it and just stare at the light patterns for as long as you wanted.

And uh, that’s me with balloons flying all around me.

I’m so so glad I decided to go by myself. I had all the time in the world to just sit and stare and touch and feel and experience for as long as I wanted, not having to consider whether anyone in my party wanted to leave.

I was almost a little sad when it was over. I lied on my couch and looked at the pictures I took and remembered.

In the sweet north country

2025-03-01 permalink

Boy oh boy did I have an amazing weekend last week. And I am now 30 years old :D So far the 30s club is treating me very well.

So last weekend. It was my birthday weekend, so one of my closest friends told me to pick whatever I wanted to do. I immediately knew exactly what I wanted: Bike the Marvin Braude bike trail. I did this my first ever time visiting LA several years ago, which was a spellbinding experience, but I hadn’t done it once since.

So we biked from Will Roger’s state beach all the way through Venice where the trail ended, and then all the way back just in time to catch a mesmerizing sunset.

God, California’s coastline T__T <3

The very next day, me and some friends got take-out from Leo’s Superfood Cafe and had a picnic by the Hollywood reservoir. There’s a nice little nature area right by where Lake Hollywood dr, Tahoe dr, and Montlake dr intersect. It was so nice and good and green and lush T__T Sweet by Lana del Rey was playing in my head the whole time.

My friend Carolyn looks so Hollywood fabulous here.

Now let me tell you about how I treated myself on my actual birthday. I woke up around nine. I was tired so I lingered in bed doing nothing for probably hours. At some point I got up to have a glass of water. I decided I would not push myself to do ANYTHING all day. I felt that I wanted to brush my teeth. I did because I wanted to. If I had not felt like it, I would not have pushed myself to do it. I ended up taking a several hour nap around noon. I dreamt of mushrooms in a golden light.

I set a timer for 30 minutes with the intention of doing nothing. I sat outside in the sun for a little bit, until I started feeling too hot. Usually when I do the timer thing, I resist the urge to check how much time’s left. But since I wasn’t pushing anything, I let myself peak as much as I wanted.

I read Water Moon until I didn’t feel like it anymore. So I did a little bit of some kind of yoga/strength training. I’ve been enjoying working on my upper body strength and my core lately. I only ever do exercises I enjoy. I’ve picked up a few I really like over the years. Then I took a long nice shower, and then read some more Water Moon.

I later went to Trader Joe’s with a good friend who then cooked me a delicious dinner. I made him play Go Fish with me, according to the rules the kids at my elementary school used. It was surprisingly fun and we ended up playing multiple rounds. I also made him watch one of my favorite childhood tv shows with me, W.i.t.c.h. All the episodes are available on youtube :D

No pushing, no nothing. Just deep, sacred rest.

This rabbit spirit watches over my hallway/living room ~

I was going down but I was doing it with you

2025-02-21 permalink

I read through some of my old posts from last year. I wrote a lot about being burnt out. I read and I thought, “Gaaaah, rest bitch!!”. So I decided that I will now be a frivolous woman who reads books and goes to parties.

Currently, I am reading Water Moon by Samantha Sotto Yambao. It’s kinda silly but really cute and whimsical. I would recommend it to anyone who likes Studio Ghibli or the unpredictability of the spirit world in Avatar: The Last Airbender.

And this is me at a party last week:

It was my friend Sica’s birthday party HAPPY BIRTHDAY SICA!!!!

We played a weird game called Tokyo Highway.

It did actually start to look kind of like Tokyo after a while, haha.

I was really excited to see physical newspapers thrown on people’s driveways. For some reason it had not occurred to me that that’s still a thing.

What else?

I have spent a significant amount of time crying over all the national park workers that have been fired. I always meant for this blog to just be a little thing I did for fun and creativity, and never had the intention nor the desire to write about politics. But some things just cut too deep. There are very few things in this world I love as much as the US national parks. And once they’re gone, they’re gone. Fragile ecosystems that would take hundreds of years to recover. This all feels like a cruel joke.

I’ve been thinking a lot about elementary school lately. Before I was overworked and fragile, before I even knew what national parks were, or had ever had to care about politics. I played video games at my friend’s house. I read Eragon, Harry Potter, Dragonkeeper… Wrote stories about a tomato named Tomato. Spent recess on the swings. It was simple. It was fun. I was strong, I was healthy.

What the fuck happened?

How did that happy kid end up this worn out and fragile? How did the world become this dark and scary since then?

Zelda. Dead or Alive. Super Smash Bros. Potter Puppet Pals. That weird internet game where you drew lines a guy went down on a sled. A swing that was actually a dragon named Everest. The package of butter that was a dragon egg hahahah omg.

I did my favorite trail in LA earlier this week. I’ve mentioned it before. Fryman Canyon trail in Wilacre Park. There isn’t really anything that special about it. It’s easy. The views are alright. There’s always a bunch of fit people there working out. I just like it. It’s simple. It’s ordinary.

It got chilly as it got darker outside.

I went to Malibu Creek State Park yesterday. There was barely anyone else there. The wind was soft and kind. It was so peaceful. I did the Malibu Lake trail, but turned back before I reached the lake, cause I was starting to feel uneasy about being all alone in the wild with no one else around. There were lots of little side trails to explore on the way back.

I sat on a rock. No cell signal. I heard the stream babbling, frogs croaking. I saw the birds in the sky, the sun against the rocks. A child was playing on the bank of the creek. I was there by myself. No one was nagging me that they wanted to leave. It was nice. It was so nice.

I found some plastic garbage someone had left behind. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. A tiny thing, but at least I did one thing.

Let’s all say a fun fact about ourselves

2025-02-20 permalink

I’m not sure who the people are who read this blog are, other than my friends, but according to the stats, every now and then there’s quite a few of you. I’d love to hear who you are, where you’re from etc :3 You can either use the email in the side bar or shoot me an instagram dm~

I’ll go first! By doing some kind of more detailed self introduction, or like fun facts about myself. Let’s go:

1. I grew up in Sweden. My mom is Swedish and my dad is from California. Growing up, I always identified more with being American than Swedish. A lot of my earliest and happiest childhood memories are of family trips in California. There is nowhere else in the world I feel as happy and rooted and as much like myself.

I ended up moving here as an adult at 26. Well, more like I was here on a trip and ended up just not leaving… haha. I had a remote job at the time I could easily do from anywhere in the world, so it just kind of ended up like that. Later leaving to go to grad school in Hawaii for two years and often getting homesick was really how I realized how at home I feel here. Finally being back again feels like a sigh of relief. I really can’t imagine living anywhere else, so hopefully I will never have to leave again.

2. You often hear people talk about how time moves more quickly as you age. This has not been my experience. Compared to my teens, my twenties have felt like lifetimes and dynasties. This is probably because I’ve spent them moving around so much, living in five different cities around the world: Yokohama, Sapporo, Stockholm, Los Angeles, and Honolulu. These have been very interesting experiences I’ve learned a lot about the world from, but also full of longing and yearning and friends becoming scattered around the world.

3. I was very strong and healthy as a child, but ever since I was around 15 I’ve been sickly and struggled a lot with my health. Around then was when I developed asthma and ever since then it feels like I’m almost never at 100% and it seems like there’s almost always something wrong with me. Allergies, difficult periods, stomach problems, throat infections, random bout of anemia… You name it :( As one of my closest friends put it, I’m “always on the struggle bus”. I’m fragile :((((

4. As a child I was a huuuge bookworm and would go to the school library pretty much every day. During summer break when the school library was closed, I would always walk to the closest public library. I had a long period during and after Covid when I almost stopped reading for pleasure completely, but since this past summer I’ve been back at it with a vengeance.

Some of my favorite books include the Dragonkeeper series by Carole Wilkinson, The Poppy War series by R.F. Kuang, and Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi.

5. I’m a big fantasy nerd in general and love the Lord of the Rings movies and animated shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender and Netflix’s She-ra and the Princesses of Power (EVERYONE who likes fantasy and/or animation should watch this show!!).

6. Among the ones mentioned above, my favorite tv shows are Scrubs, Euphoria, The Glory, The Bear, Bojack Horseman, and Friends :)

7. I’m a huge fan of Hong Kong cinema. Two of my favorite movies of all time are In the Mood for Love (artsy painful love and yearning) and Love on Delivery (batshit crazy kung fu comedy). I spent several years learning Cantonese (the language spoken in Hong Kong), but I didn’t have the energy for it anymore once I started grad school. Hopefully I’ll get back on it once I feel less mentally burnt out :) I’ve only been to Hong Kong once and that was almost ten years ago now, so I really hope I can visit again soon! I know it’s changed a lot though :’(

8. I have a huge interest in fashion. I enjoy watching fashion commenters on youtube like Mina Le and ModernGurlz, reading books about fashion history, going to fashion history museum exhibits, observing what trendy people around me are wearing, etc.

9. Bubble wrap always reminds me of my dad. One day when I was a kid, I was playing with it and popping the bubbles. My dad saw me doing it and said hold on, let me show you how to do it. Then he showed me more efficient ways of popping them. Or something like that. The memory’s not super clear. But to this day, bubble wrap makes me happy.

10. My number 1 favorite pastime is probably spending time in nature and I’m almost always planning my next hike :D

^Wiliwilinui Ridge Trail on Oahu

Oh the things you did

2025-02-14 permalink

Hola.

Someone asked what camera I use. The asnwer is that I mostly use my iPhone 8 camera (I know, my phone is basically vintage at this point). My pictures look the way they do because I almost always use the app Tezza to edit them. It has a ton of fun vintage filters ^^

…

I’ve been having trouble falling asleep the last few days. So I listen to this playlist over and over:

For some reason those particular songs in that particular order help me get really snuggly and fall asleep. Also, enough for you and 1 step forward, 3 steps back are two of my favorite songs of all time.

Love is a wild thing

2025-02-13 permalink

It’s funny how you can never quite predict the things you will miss after leaving somewhere. It appears enough weeks have passed since my departure for me to begin to notice the things I subtly miss about the life I lived in Hawaii. Surprisingly, I miss the campus dining hall. There wasn’t really anything special about the food for the most part, but man, I miss having all those devilishly salty French fries for so many nights a week.

…

I know, I know. Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’m surprisingly busy for an unemployed person :(

I have actually been going outside. I did Stough Canyon trail a while ago. I had done it once before, but I was miserably hot and sleep deprived and grumpy on that day. I realized the trail was much prettier than I recalled. I experienced awe and even a little bit of euphoria. My hiking buddies are way too fast for me though, I always feel like I’m gonna die D:

^Me romanticizing random junk and also snake!

I don’t have a car, so I tried taking the train to Laguna. It was fun! I recommend it. The Metrolink is better connected than I had realized. Just take the OC line from LA Union Station to Laguna Niguel/Mission Viejo :D I chose to Uber from the station to the beach though, cause it would’ve taken forever to take the bus.

I was happy to do a little day trip by myself. I’ve really grown to appreciate solitude lately. I paid attention to the pleasantly chilly wind in my hair, and the excitedly singing wind in my ears. The adventurous smell of the ocean, the rocks and sand rough against my fingertips, and the cliffs proudly announcing where we were: “California, bitch!”

I listened to my world.

The beach at Crystal Cove State Park might actually be the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. I’m completely in love. I chose to drag a friend there later the same week :3

I want to feel what the cedars feel, and I want to know what they know

2025-02-01 permalink

From Who Am I? Psychological exercises to develop self-understanding:

When the human world disappoints, it’s not unusual to turn to nature. But what specifically is it about nature that offers us consolation?

To the stoic philosophers of ancient Roma, it was the idea of inevitability - so explicit in the natural world - that appealed; the tide has to rise and fall according to the phrases of the moon; the bough of the tree has to bend when the wind blows; the lion has to hunt the gazelle. The swallow has to migrate. The laws of nature are fixed by forces no-one chooses but to which everything must submit. It is a strange relief to remind ourselves that broadly the same kind of inevitability applies to our own lives as well.

During the Tang dynasty, the Chinese poet Bai Juyi as he got older felt increasingly excluded from what he called ‘the world of youngsters’: he turned instead to nature for companionship. In one poem he writes:

Turning my head around, I ask a pair of rocks:

‘Can you keep company with an old man like myself?’

Although the rocks cannot speak,

They promise that we will be three friends

He sought out oddly-shaped, exposed rocks that had been dramatically weathered and eroded: time had made them more interesting.

In what ways, similar or different, does nature appeal to you?

…

I long to be in nature, because my eyes long to see far and wide. I long to be met by the smells of the forest. I long for the river to splash its body onto me. Does it cool my sweaty skin, does it jolt me awake with its freezing needles?

I suppose it lies in the never ending variation of sensations. The complete opposite of the horrors, the torture, of the white classroom. The never ending uncontrollable variations. How it is all just there, all the more beautiful precisely because no one has arranged it according to their own purposes. It is… natural.

Just like writing when it flows directly from the heart. Just how unplanned encounters are the most magical ones. How unplanned adventures stay with us forever. How cities and neighborhoods grow over time, gradually winding farther and farther into each other.

Don’t wake me up, I’m not dreaming

2025-01-29 permalink

Hi. I’ve been SO tired ever since I got back to LA. I moved into a new place and haven’t been going out much other than furniture stores etc. I’ve been escaping into my inner world. Sleeping a lot, reading a lot, working hard on a playlist with my current favorite songs. And impulse buying books with pretty covers. And more guided journals hehe.

Since I’m showing things I bought, let me also show this incredible lamp I found in a vintage store.

My first knick-knack for my new home! San Francisco is a place very close to my heart, so I immediately got it. I’m so glad I stumbled upon it.

Also, here’s my lunch from yesterday:

I put turmeric on almost everything I eat. It really makes a huge difference for my energy levels.

What will you do with this one wild and precious life?

2025-01-27 permalink

Today is a day of cold hands and damp sheets.

The hills are happy as they soak up the moist from yesterday’s rainfall.

I sleep a lot and the dark circles around my eyes are deep. The rain made me so tired.

But the hills are happy and the sky is blue.

Maybe I will go outside later and notice things.

…

Since I’ve been talking up guided journals a lot, I though I’d share one I recently acquired:

It doesn’t have any explicit prompts or anything, but poems from the poet Mary Oliver. You can let her words evoke feelings or reactions and just write them right there. And the illustrations are beautiful.

Townie

2025-01-24 permalink

Sometimes I set a timer and just sit and stare out my window.

Honolulu. A city like any other. Cars and roads getting people where they need to go.

It helps me clear my head.

HOKKAIDO!

2025-01-23 permalink

It’s strange. Once I finished writing this post, I… I don’t know. I came across these images of Sapporo on Pinterest a while ago. I’ve never seen a city look so subtly mesmerizing before.

From honeydecelis on Pinterest

From japankoofficial on Pinterest

From linviena on Pinterest

From edit_heysmile on Pinterest

From vimiaan on Pinterest

Hahahhahaha always seeing people riding bikes in the snow. Life in Sapporo to a t.

Isn’t there something so special about these images?

I spent around four days in Hokkaido in December 2023. It was my first time ever being there without living there. It was a little strange. But so much fun to just experience it as a tourist (even though I got triggered into oblivion by a mean post office lady…). Very different from having to go to class in the snow everyday.

I have a lot of confusion and grief about my years spent there, but I would love to one day be able to say that I love Hokkaido without feeling conflicted about it. Maybe I am slowly beginning to be able to view it as another subtly magical chapter in the fabric of my existence. Because I really do have so much love for snowy and wild Hokkaido.

Also, this song still slaps. My mouth suddenly tastes like Tantakatan.

Let me introduce you to my party people

2025-01-20 permalink

As you may or may not have gathered, I am back in LA. I’ve mostly been going to Ikea and Target and stumbling over moving boxes. The world is overwhelmingly ordinary and it’s COLD. Hawaii really has ruined my tolerance :(

Being in Sweden was more fun than expected (but I don’t think I’ll visit in December again, ugh -.-). Maybe I’ll convert to sporting a cute Scandi style and learn to sail or whatever Scandi girls do.

Like always when about to leave somewhere for a long time, I spent the last few days of the trip making sure to eat all my favorite foods that I won’t be able to have.

Let me introduce semla. It’s a pastry that’s everywhere around January-March. It has its own day in like February, which sometimes falls on my birthday. It’s something you enjoy as darkness finally begins to move towards light and spring. You start seeing them in stores and cafes and know that the worst of winter is over. I had one last week for the first time in yearsss.

Typical ones are just a bun, whipped cream, and some type of almond goo. But I saw a lot of new variations this year. I tried a pistachio variation (the one in the picture above), and it was incredible.

Next, cinnamon buns. Can’t leave Sweden without having real cinnamon buns, obviously.

This next one isn’t like a traditional food or anything as far as I know, but it’s the best food in the history of ever and you can’t change my mind. I call it oreganoklet.

It is:

Rice

Whatever protein you want (my go to is quorn which is kind of a vegetarian chicken-esque thing, but chicken or tofu or something like that works too)

In a sauce made from:

Cooking cream (I like to use Oatley’s cooking cream but I haven’t seen it anywhere here D: )

Vegetable bouillon

A little bit of balsamic vinegar (like a couple table spoons)

A bunch of dried oregano (Maybe like a cup? Idk I always just eye it)

Just fry your quorn/chicken/tofu/whatever with salt and black peppar until it’s nice, then put it in the sauce, mix it all together, and boil on low heat with a lid on for 3 minutes :D

I submitted oreganoklet to a cooking contest in high school once and didn’t win anything. Clearly they have no class nor style -__-

Final moments of my old life

2025-01-19 permalink

A lot of visitors from around the world like to go on about how Hawaii is a healing place. I don’t know how I feel about it. I may mainly associate Hawaii with stress and overwork and drain and feeling trapped. Trapped in a windowless office, on campus, on a tiny island in the ocean. A “paradise” that’s sad and drained and slowly bleeding dry and all the corals are dead.

But it’s true that I’ve changed a lot for the better since first setting my foot on Oahu a little over two years ago. When I got there I was extremely closed off, obsessed with proving myself, and thinking the right to be alive was something I needed to earn. I’ve calmed down quite drastically since then.

The last four months or so I have been discovering so many depths and layers to myself. There’s so much more of me than I could have ever imagined, like a deep blue never ending pool. I’ve been discovering so many amazing things about life lately T_T Guided journals, tarot, probiotics, and turmeric??? Bro why did all these things go unnoticed by me for so long

The mountains and the world have been stunning. I’ve been WRITING. In my guided journal and I love it so much. I love the feeling of the pen rolling over the paper.

I honestly didn’t know life could feel this way.

Now, how much the island has had to do with it, I can’t tell.

My last time playing tennis before leaving took place in the dark, because we couldn’t turn the lights on. It did make it more special, I suppose. And interesting. And hard. And fun!

Catching the sunset from the Kuliouou Ridge Trail. Highly recommend!

Bidding a final farewell to my favorite pipes I passed every day.

Existential dread

2025-01-19 permalink

Suddenly a flash from Ofuna station. Two giant suitcases, wind in my hair from a vanished age.

Drowning in memories of all the times and places that have been. It’s so hard to process and comprehend how they all can be real. I don’t understand how chilly winds in my hair at Ofuna station and mailing boxes to a burning LA can coexist in the same life.

These memories that constantly run through my head, they break me down. It would be easier to just forget, to delete every experience I’ve ever had, than to try to understand how these different dynasties fit together in the same life.

There’s a fog upon LA.

I see the world as an ancient place

2025-01-14 permalink

I long for California’s deep mountains and mighty trees. I see it before me every time I close my eyes.

I long to breathe in the smell of the redwood forest.

Ah California, I love you more than anyone will ever understand.